you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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