my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize