Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
sarcasm needs its own font
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
