he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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