I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
