Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
