how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize