they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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