Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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