i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
