I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Randomize
