Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
