watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i dont even know how to be here
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
