Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
