I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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