i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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