he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
