I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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