I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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