Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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