I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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