you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
