I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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