i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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