Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
