She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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