I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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