You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
