that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
