Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
