Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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