I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
