So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
