quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
