ya dads aren't the best wingmen
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
