so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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