eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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