Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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