You smell like stripper and shame
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
