spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
