Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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