The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just pee around me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
