WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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