she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
