i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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