Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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