My cat gives me a boner
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
