i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
