I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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