i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
