There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
