I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
