Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
