Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize