I am midnight drunk by noon
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
