I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
