I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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