he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
