i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
