I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
