It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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